Q: My mother has dementia, and she keeps asking to go home even though she lives with me now. How do I convince her she is home?
A: When someone with dementia is asking to go home, it usually means they want the feeling of home and the safety and security that comes with it. It can feel frustrating, and the first inclination is to try to convince them they are home. We may want to try and prove it to them by showing them their things and explaining how they came to live there.
However, the best thing you can do with someone who has dementia is not confront or argue with them about what they perceive as their reality. Instead, it helps to think about the emotions behind what they are saying, rather than the literal content of what they are stating.
The emotion behind wanting to go home is about wanting to feel safe and secure in your environment. There are a lot of reasons someone with dementia may not feel safe. It is common for people with memory loss to feel scared.
Instead of arguing by telling them they are wrong, that they are home, consider aligning with their feelings. Try saying that you understand and will make sure they get back home. Assure them you are with them and will help in any way. You can also try saying, “Your home sounds lovely. Can you tell me about it?”
When someone has dementia, you want to only give them information they can understand and logically process. This will be different for each person and depends on the stage of their disease progression. Overall, you want to focus on reducing their stress and increasing their joy. All your answers should be through the lens of what will reduce the stress in the day.
Another good tip is to redirect the conversation. Perhaps you can get out an old photo album and ask them to tell you about the photos. Or ask them to help you prepare a snack and get them engaged in an activity.
Keep track of when they are asking to go home. If it is always in the afternoon, it could be related to sundowning symptoms. This is when someone with dementia may have increased confusion or behaviors in the late afternoon or early evening.
You may consider what their past schedule looked like. Maybe they are used to going home every afternoon after their workday. Now they do not change locations, and therefore it does not trigger them to think their day at work has ended.
One family I worked with started planning an outing every afternoon. They would leave the house and get ice cream or take a drive to see the horses. Then they would announce that they had fun, and it was time to go home. Once they returned to the house again the person with dementia felt settled and was no longer asking to go home every day.
Dementia changes the brain and how a person processes and remembers information. As their carer, you want to go into their reality to assure them and help them feel safe. Focus on their emotions and use trial and error to see what works best for your loved one.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
