This will be the first Thanksgiving since my dad passed away, and I know things will be different this year. Grief is not a linear process. Some days we may feel like things are normal, and other days a little thing may trigger our emotions and bring the feelings of grief back to the surface.
The holidays are a time when it is common for there to be lots of these little triggers of grief. We often share holiday memories with our loved ones and celebrating without them can make us feel difficult emotions.
This was recently discussed by members in a caregiver support group and there were mixed feelings about how to handle it. They are caring for a spouse with dementia and their loved ones may be too ill to join holiday festivities, or if they do join, they may be unable to participate in the way they used to.
Some felt they wanted to lean into the holidays and enjoy all the parts that make them happy, while others wanted to downplay the old traditions so they did not have to experience them so differently.
For my holiday this year, I am hoping to enjoy all the parts I love while also preparing for any feelings of grief and sadness that may arise.
I was debating inviting some extra people to my Thanksgiving table this year and I thought to myself, “What would my father do?” I knew the answer was that he would invite anyone who needed a place to be, even if there was not enough room. I called my mother to tell her this and she immediately laughed.
She said, “He would invite everyone he ever knew and he would promise to help, and then he would be so busy chatting with them that I would end up doing it all!” We both laughed enjoying this memory of my dad and how much he loved to be social. Then we got quiet and shared the feelings of missing him and how different it would be this year.
There is no right way to navigate grief during the holidays. Each of us must decide what will feel right for us. For some, that may mean finding a way to honor the person who has passed by sharing memories, photos, or keeping certain traditions going. For others, it may mean allowing more time to quietly reflect or even forgo some holiday functions this year.
One thing is for certain, feelings of grief can arise at any time, and first holidays without a loved one can be especially difficult. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to take breaks, to give space for sadness, and to accept help and kindness from others.
This year I will honor my father by inviting all the people in my life who may not have plans to join me. I will sit on the couch under the blanket I gifted him last year and watch some of our favorite holiday movies. I cannot predict how I will feel, but I promise to give myself the space to feel however I need.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
