Q: My adult daughter recently said I was being stubborn because I would not let her help me. How can I explain to her that I prefer to be independent?
A: As parents age it is common for adult children to want to step in and be more involved. They may make assumptions about what you should and should not be doing. Or they may have safety concerns and get upset with you if you do not agree with their opinions.
These types of family disagreements can become emotional very quickly. The adult child is often not only worried, but also feels a sense of responsibility to do something about it. The parent, on the other hand, may not see the reason for the concern and feels strongly about maintaining independence. It may cause hurt feelings to hear that your child does not think you are capable.
In my experience, there is usually some truth to both sides. The most challenging part is finding a way to have open communication and to listen in a non-judgmental way to each other.
With the holidays here, families often spend more time together. There may also be heightened stress which can increase conflicts. Remind yourself that your daughter’s urge to help you comes from a place of caring and love.
Start by acknowledging your daughter’s concerns and let her know that you appreciate her caring. Suggest that you wait until a time after the holidays when you can have a conversation and talk more about what you each need.
Make a plan to talk and consider if anyone else should be involved in the conversation. Sometimes a friend or other family member can provide a calming effect and serve as a good mediator between the two of you.
Let your daughter know you will listen to her concerns and let her tell you more specifically what she thinks she should help you with and why. Often other people can see changes in us both physically and emotionally before we may recognize them in ourselves. Your daughter may be seeing things that can be useful for you to recognize.
Think through what your daughter has shared and then ask her to listen to you and your wishes. Be clear about your boundaries and share what is most important to you and your quality of life.
Ideally, you can come to an agreement that you feel comfortable with. That may include some give and take from both of you. It may also mean that you make a plan to have this talk again in 6 months to see if any changes need to be made.
Emotions can run high when we feel someone is trying to get in the way of our independence. Your daughter’s intent is most likely not to offend you. Ultimately, as long as you are safe, you can set the boundary on your independence. Just first take the time to hear her side and decide what is most important to you. Also remember, what is right for you today may not be what is right or safe for you a year from now. These will be ongoing discussions that require some patience, some open mindedness, and some deep breaths.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
