Q: I am moving my mother into an assisted living facility next week. How can I make the transition easier for her?
A: A move into an assisted living facility can be filled with emotions. While there can be excitement about a new home that has meals provided and activities and socialization included, there can also be a lot of trepidation.
Most often, a move to assisted living means downsizing from a previous home. There can be worry about liking it there, making friends, and doubts about making the right choice.
To help your mother adjust I suggest starting with setting up the room. Allow her to help as much as possible in selecting what she wants to bring and use to decorate the room. You will need to have the measurements of her new space so you can determine what will fit ahead of time.
Give her time to walk around her home and show you what is important to her. Let her share without interruptions. It can be easy to jump ahead and tell her what will not fit and what she cannot take. Instead, first let her tell you what she likes and why. It can help her process the loss she may be feeling about getting rid of things. It can also help her share more about herself with you.
After you have given her this space to process, then you can gently explain it will not all fit and ask her to rank her most important things. Much of what makes a room feel like home is having familiar things and photos hung. Making sure you have the ones that mean the most to her will help with the process.
For some people it will help to involve them in every step. Have them come into the room while you are moving things and show you where they want them. For others, it may be less stressful if you set it up and then bring them into the finished room. Think about your mother and what you feel she can handle.
It may feel like a time to get new things, such as new bedding and pillows. However, often when we bring old items it can provide a sense of familiarity. You can always replace things later, but let them be part of the transition process now.
On moving day make sure the staff is ready to greet her and make her feel welcome. I recently moved a loved one into assisted living and we arrived right at lunch time. We sat and ate with him in the dining room. The staff introduced him to everyone in the room and made a fuss over him. It helped him to feel welcome and comfortable. Talk to the staff ahead of time and see what they can do to make the first day feel special.
You may be responsible to set up things like phone, internet, and cable ahead of time. Find out from the facility what is needed and what companies they use. Set these up before she moves in so that she can settle in with what she needs.
It can help to visit frequently at the beginning so your mother does not feel she is alone there. Encourage her to get involved in the activities provided and offer to attend one with her if she would like. Follow her lead. If she is asking for visits, make plans and ask other friends and relatives to visit as well. If she jumps right into the community and seems busy, give her that space to enjoy her new surroundings.
It is normal for a move to bring up feelings of anxiety. This one is most likely making both you and your mom feel anxious. Take it one day at a time to ease into this new setting. Every person is different, and your mother may surprise you with how she reacts. Just be gentle on both your mom and yourself and allow time to adjust.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
