Q: My friend is caring for her husband who needs her full assistance. How can I get her to take better care of herself while still caring for him?
A: People who are caring for a loved one often put their own care and needs last. As a friend and onlooker, it can be very frustrating to watch. It is our natural inclination to want to tell our friend that they need to take better of themselves. Sometimes we even think we know exactly what that means. For example, we think they need to have social time with friends, or exercise more, or get their nails done.
Somehow, as a friend, we will feel better if we see them doing these things. We will feel that they are okay and handling their caregiving situation well.
The problem is that from the outside things never look exactly as they are. To really help your friend, the best thing you can do is listen. Ask them what they need, how they are doing, what their biggest stressor is and what they would imagine might help them. Give them the space to answer and just be a nonjudgmental listening ear.
Some people feel confident in their caregiving role and take great pride in providing this love and support to their loved one. They may just want to be recognized and appreciated by you. Others may feel more weight and pressure from their role, and not know how or what to ask for help.
If you really give them space to share with you it may help you understand who they are, what they need and what they do not need.
Senior Concerns recently held a seminar on legal issues involved when caring for a person with dementia. The audience was clearly interested in ensuring that they, as the caregiver, had the legal tools needed for their loved one. The lawyer presenting, however, urged the audience to also look at the bigger picture of who will care for them, and who will have the legal tools needed when they (the current caregiver) need assistance.
It was a very eye-opening discussion. Caregivers tend to live in the moment. They cannot imagine dealing with the next steps or the difficult thought of what happens if they become incapacitated. That thought is too difficult to imagine because they are relied on so heavily by their loved one.
But the truth is that most likely their person, the one who would have stepped in to help them, is now no longer able to do that. Therefore, putting a legal plan in place is very important for their own future well-being and care.
Self-care is not always simply taking a yoga class or going for walk. It can also mean preparing your own legal plan or creating a backup caregiving plan in case of an emergency. Taking care of these important issues can often help you breathe easier and live with less day-to-day stress.
It is so important to be there to support your friend who is in a caregiving role. Just make sure you let them be your guide as to what help they need. Sometimes from the outside even well-meaning people can misunderstand what is going on.
Continue to offer support, to ask questions and to be a listening ear for your friend. A simple text message of support can often go a long way. Family caregivers deserve all our support and compassion in the emotional, sometimes difficult, and always vital role they fill.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
