Q: My husband has dementia and will not remember that it is Valentine’s Day. How can I still make the day feel special?
A: When your partner has dementia, it changes the way special days are celebrated. If your loved one cannot remember the date or understand the meaning, then birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays like Valentine’s Day suddenly may feel lonely.
It can be easy to feel sorry for yourself and start to dread when these special days occur. However, you can also use it as an opportunity to treat yourself and find another way to enjoy the day.
First, consider if you are able to have a nice day with your spouse. Even if they do not understand the reason, are you able to find an activity to enjoy together such as a nature walk, a movie or a nice meal? If so, then you can take the initiative to plan an activity that will still allow you to connect with each other and make the most of the day.
This means putting aside your past expectations of the day. Often for Valentine’s Day, we may have expected our husband to plan and make the effort to show how much they love and value us. Once someone has dementia it is important to let go of these expectations because they are unfair to someone with dementia and will only leave us feeling disappointed.
You may want to use reminiscence with your spouse and use this as a chance to talk about past Valentine’s Days together. You can look at old photos and talk about romantic times you shared years ago.
If your husband is not able to engage in the day in a way that you will enjoy, consider making other plans. It may be time to find a new way to celebrate the day.
Lots of people celebrate “Galentine’s” day on a different day of the week. This is a day for friends to get together and pamper themselves and treat each other well in honor of their friendship. It is typically for gal pals, but the concept can be used for any friends. You may want to start a tradition with a group of friends to enjoy this alternative day and make new special memories together.
You may also want to think about any of your friends or family who may also be facing a difficult time this Valentine’s Day. You may have someone in your life who has lost their spouse, or another person caring for their partner, or someone living alone. Reach out to them because maybe together you can find a way to share the day and support each other.
The holiday may also be a time to treat yourself in a special way. Consider what would make you feel cared for. It may mean ordering takeout from a favorite restaurant or taking yourself to get a manicure or to go shopping. You may want to find time to yourself. Reach out to friends and family or professional caregivers if you need someone to stay with your husband while you go do something for yourself.
Valentine’s Day is ultimately meant to be a day to show people you love how you feel about them. That includes not just your spouse but also your friends and yourself. That may mean redefining the day and finding new ways to allow yourself to feel loved and cared for.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
