Q: My 89-year-old mother gets upset with me when I can’t reach her on her home or cell phone, and I head over to her house to make sure she is OK. What can I do to reduce this stress?
A: I can understand the stress behind this question. This is a common struggle between wanting to ensure your mother is safe, and your mother wanting to maintain her autonomy. It is a delicate balance and hopefully there is a path forward that allows you both to feel confident.
We live in a society that values independence. Yet, as someone ages, we often expect them to accept being dependent, or being inter-dependent on others, naturally. As her daughter, she was never dependent on you before. In fact, it was the other way around. This is a shift in your relationship that probably does not feel good to her.
Open communication is a good place to start. Be honest with her about your concerns. What is behind your worry when you cannot reach her on the phone? Most likely it is a fear that she is hurt or in pain. This comes from a place of concern and love. Make sure to lead with this in your conversation.
Ask what bothers her about you checking on her. Try to see things from her perspective and make sure she feels listened to by you. Once you understand what is behind her feelings you can better support her wishes.
Help her understand that you want to support her wishes and her autonomy while still making sure there is a safety net in place. Talk through what that may look like for you both.
If your mother is independent and leaves the house on her own, then expecting to reach her at any moment’s notice may not be realistic. Perhaps you can both allow family tracking on your phones. You can use the “Find my Phone” app on an iPhone to see each other’s location, or download an app such as Life 360 for this function. This way if she does go out and you cannot reach her you can see where she is and, therefore, know why she is not answering.
By allowing her to also track your phone it shows a reciprocity that you are both keeping each other safe at the same time.
Show your mother that you are coming from a place of love. You can explain that for older adults falls are very common, and you just want to be sure that if she ever falls or needs your help you can be there for her.
Ultimately, if you worry that your mother is not cognitively capable of making sound decisions then you will want to have her evaluated by her physician for memory impairment. A diagnosis of dementia does not necessarily mean she cannot make any decisions, but it does help inform your next steps.
Pick your battles with your mom. Focus on the main safety issues. In the end, if your mother is clear cognitively, you may need to let go of some of the control. Even if you do not agree with her choices, you may not be able to change her mind. Ask for a compromise between the two of you so that perhaps, as an example, you get one check-in per day rather than two. Finding a middle ground may help preserve the nature of your relationship.
In the end, as much as we wish we can, we cannot keep our parents fully safe. Instead, we can try and put some things in place to help keep them safer. With love and caring we can do our best to support and help while also understanding our boundaries.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
